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Saturday, December 27, 2008
Disappointment
Today, is considered my last day at work before my 3 months break for studies. final year, final semester.. I told Carol and Jacq that I need a break for studies. that's my excuse to them. but it is a partial excuse actually. the other 50% excuse is because i want to disappear myself from Teddy Bear's life. cos i told him in the sms. we can never even be frens. he chose to keep quiet and got me no answer. no more anything like last time.. i actually miss those days when we are so happy together..had supper after work and he send me home... i dun mind if our togetherness needs to spend alot or little... important is we spend time together... sigh..

I gave Justine, Veron and Zara my contacts... Zara, Veron and Joanne looked sad... cos i will be away.. 3 months.. Zara is going back to US on 19 Jan 09... So, i wont get to see her again, unless she come back to Singapore, which i think will be less likely... I will miss u all... So many.. Jacq, Joanne, Faiszal, Tini, Justine, Emman, Veron, Zara, Lisa, Kumar and you, Allan. Though we didnt talk for a long period of time and we both felt like we drifted apart, like we have not met before. I guess today we dun look at each other, and we will not again... i will be out of yr life, as i have said... these 3 months, we wont see each other, ok.... I flipped my notebook and saw the note u wrote for me.. u said u love me... sob... is this true? what shall i do with those things that u had given me??? teddy bear is innocent. its a gift from you. teddy bear symbolises our love. how?... i am really disappointed...

I have moved to Sis' house before Christmas... will be staying for months... Christmas this year wasnt anything for me to be happy... i am broke.. din buy any presents n i din go to church... i need a time to be alone... think of how i want my life to be and how am i going to make myself happy wif life... without teddy bear these few nights by my side i felt empty... i so miss to touch teddy bear's face so i can feel like i'm touching yr face. so miss to cuddle it so i can feel like u embrace me in yr arms... these feelings left me... teddy bear was abandoned at the home in yishun...

Goodbye Allan.

~{9:28 AM}
Angelic

Thursday, December 18, 2008
Move on with a smile.
Last night i couldnt sleep with peace.. i felt stress pressing on my chest area.. n i felt like crying.. cos i dun feel good... i felt insecure.. n its like there is no tomorrow for me.. i felt like i am losing breath... guys, this is not joking. i have never felt tt way before. u nv know when yr life will end. u may jus end yr last breath in a sleep and being described as unnatural death.

Perhaps these weeks i have been thinking alot. esp on Teddy Bear. As usual he is always silent. The more i wait the more i felt uneasy. I have been asking myself, "what is this waiting for?" I guess it is really sudden infatuations during these months between me and him. Things are just happening too fast. I know it shouldnt be, yet our emotions took control of ourselves. Lately i felt like i am so irritating to him, calling and sms-ing him.. he hardly answers or replies. I want to apologise to him for being so irritating cos i dont want to be like that n give that bad impression. so, i wrote him a long letter, apologising, thanking, my sentiments and advices to him in life...

After work, i din go home. I have a new colleague, named Zara, age 24. She has no home. Her parents are in US and all her siblings are scattered around in different countries. She put up at her friend's place but last night her fren went relatives' place to stay. So Zara was left alone, dunno where to go, no home, and was planning to wander around in the streets. At the same time, i was rather emotional. So we kept each other company at our workplace. Teddy Bear knocked off at 12am. Colleagues persisted him to stay and talk to me. But he rushed home without talking, cos he was catching the last train. Well, what to talk about? Everything are written in the letter. I dunno what to talk also. I am not disappointed that he went off w/o me. I rather he jus go home. and in the end i want to go home too. I felt feverish, guess i'm getting sick. So i took a cab home.. so expensive... i should hav gone home earlier...

Woke up and thought about it.. well, i guess i should recover. better get healed earlier than later. cos i had enough hurt.. whatever it is, Christmas present is already made and i shall jus pass it to him soon.. cos i dun want to keep it. Maybe he is one of the angels in my life and we may jus be fated to be frens. Thank you for all e care and concerns that you have for me in the past. You gave me good memories. I really have to thank you for that, cos you took my ex away from my life journal... right now, i want to concentrate on my last semester before graduation.cos this is my life and i think it is more important to me. We can still be friends, ya? I hope you dun think that i am having any motives. As what Becky had taught me, be professional and be strong. There's not a need to quit the job cos you need the money for yr family. Yes, I will be. I must move on... smile Angel... :)

~{7:11 PM}
Angelic

Saturday, December 13, 2008
I am sorry...
Teddy Bear, I am sorry...

I said you are useless. I am really sorry... I hurt you... Its all my fault.. I shouldnt be in this picture.. I felt like a slut...

I know you love me. Cos you cant answer and stop me from asking you this question... you claim that i am someone special for you... so am i feeling the same...

You said you need space. Ok, i understand. But pls, dun tell me jus be frens. I really believe and have faith that we can work out together... will you? I am willing to give more time for us. And pls show to me tt my time for you is worth waiting... I really love you loads...

I wish to see a future ahead of us... I dun mind about yr past.. cos what i really care is the present and the future... will you give me your hand? shall we walk together?

~{10:32 AM}
Angelic

Thursday, December 11, 2008
Stress Relieve...YESH!
Alright.. finally drawn my layout for Entre n submitted it with the group report.. big stone put down man... hmm, Mr Toh Tse Ming, tt old man tutor, always make me, Babie and ShiHui laugh crazily in silence...u know tt kind of feeling like u cant laugh out loud and u have to control tt laughing sound? ahhaha... wth, train our cheeks and tummy muscles... lol... have to b serious in proj.. got to think of 5 qns for the market research survey.. meeting on wed and fri 11am... jiayou cute entrepreneurs... ...

So not focusing in class today... blindly copied and copied notes... cos, my mind is already in the holidays ahaha...

Limei laoshi called me regarding tambourine dance. Oh... next year's task. I'm in-charge to teach the new batch in church.. the 30-50 yr olds... can i make it? kinda scared n felt a bit stressed.. cos all of them are obviously older than me... they are like my mothers la... n i am their "teacher"... so which means, when talking to them i hav to be veri polite too... but, i'm not ver polite to my own mum la ahaha... well, she's like a fren to me... i can slap her thighs n she can slap mine anytime... lol... i accepted e task and will start to plan wad to do...hmmm...

Went to AMK Hub Coffee Bean with Nadia n HuiQi...to chill out... i was accidentally being spilled by some water from one of the barista at Coffee Bean.. she get serviettes for me to dry up... but its jus water i dun really mind actually... wah if its me last time, i sure "cho" till e person cry ahha... hmm, i think my attitude is improving.. i'm learning to b forgiving..

We were initially planning to do IM tut together during coffee. but in e end, we were so engrossed with the Looney Tunes performance at the centre stage... wad a good view...I like the Tweety Bird la hehehe...stil got Bugs Bunny and Silvester... I keep smiling when i see em...so happy keke...whoo, got a new bag for $10 only.. cos my bag spoil liao... mum help me sew the old one dunno how many times le.. time to change a new one...:) good deal!!

Hmm, what shall I get for my friends on Christmas? And shall I go JB for shopping?? yay... holidays...:)

~{7:04 AM}
Angelic

Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Looking forward to holidays
Here's to update some frens who wonder where have i been lately:

1 Dec (Mon): QM ICA... wth kept recalling on the terms like reduce waste, costs... improve productivity la... blah blah... nadia u know la huh?? keke...

2 Dec (Tue): Went to Gelare with the girls... had ice cream waffles again and "oxygenated water"-$1.20 per bottle... water say water la... mcm really come from wadever mountains/hills... lol. Then went to library to discuss the CRM software with Babie, Sayang and Hazel... whoo... we had wedges and chix chunks...yum...

3 Dec (Wed): eh, wad did i do?? I suppose i was at home doing my PS & NEG ICA report... whole day ok... previous days got do but not as intensive as this day... and surprisingly I'm so motivated to do my IMC tutorial! not bad.. keep it up girl!

4 Dec (Thur): Busy like a bee. Chiong-ing my PS & NEG report till late night... can't really believe that someone can try to make use of you by adding u on msn jus to ask u to help giv tips on report... wth...well, i shouldnt mention names... but, wad i want to say is.. pls be responsible in your own work and last min work doesnt help much either. worst of all, be attentive in class. dun try to dig the well when the fire burns your ass...

5 Dec (Fri): Something wrong with my thumbdrive.. cant be detected by the com at printing shop... i panick so much la... thanks lina for lending me yr thumbdrive.. thank god I managed to have my report printed before 5pm. submitted with Sayang at Mike Cheong's office. Chilled out at school library cafe with girls n crapped for about 2 hours... whoohoo... good to relief stress...

Met fuancake for dinner at fish n co... wow, we really talked the whole night...libra people always heart to heart emo alot ahahah... Teddy Bear called me in the midst of dinner. "Why u call me?" "Nothing..." "Huh? then u call me for what?? then i hang up the phone lo... wrong number ahahaha.." its so obvious la.. call me cos u miss me.. heheh... mcm faham... reached home at 12 plus am...

6 Dec (Sat): Almost forgot about attending ZhangQiang n XinMin's wedding matrimony in the morning...oops! Went to work after an afternoon nap... haven start anything on Entre proj and SMK ica revision...

7 Dec (Sun): It's Sunday School Day... the kids so punctual... reach even before 3.30pm... beatrix called n she is still in e train... i jus stepped out of the house.. oh oh! bad example! students, pls dun be like yr teachers ahaha.. be punctual... had reh with em and did their makeup and put on their butterfly wings and ladybird/bee caps... so cute la... little tessa had tummy ache before perf ph gosh... too nervous? hehe... n little ryan walked straight up to me before bowing at the end of the perf... audience were laughing ahaha... guess wad he said to me?? "Teacher, I want to eat sweet.." LOL.

At night, chatted with Serene on Entre proj.. wow! she has done her part! whereas mi? ahah i haven even start la... wad a strong motivation... i started my part and did till next morning 5am... mum said i am crazy... ahaha...

8 Dec (Mon): PH... but, stayed at home and do Entre proj while discussing with Shihui on msn... watched Little Nonya hehehe... a bit slack la... SMK revision?? ahaha not yet...

9 Dec (Tue): Finally completed my report for Entre proj... phew... still got layout to draw.. hmm... shall leave it to Wed after the SMK ICA. Yes... must start revising liao... cant believe that I only started revising a night before the actual test... 4 lectures.. not bad... i have nv been so "hardworking" before... ahahaha.... had tummy upset and went to bed...

10 Dec (Wed): received a sms from Teddy Bear in the morning... "How is your tummy? Take care always..." so sweet... ok girl, stop fantasizing about Teddy Bear...

SMK ICA. no comments ahahaha.... get it over and done with... yayness!!!

Went to buy a chix ham n cheese pie and "paper chicken"... stupidly i ate the paper... I thought can eat... mum said I stupid... thank you for saying that lol. you are a GREAT MUM. ahahaha.

Time to draw layout!!! and will pay my fullest attention to Little Nonya... hehehe...

hmm..planning wad to wear on last day of sch before hols.. so looking forward to it... ... ...

Holidays here I come!!!!

~{2:55 AM}
Angelic

Saturday, December 6, 2008
Love is patience, love is kind...
"Love is patience, love is kind." I remembered this verse since this morning when i attended ZhangQiang and XinMin's wedding matrimony... viewed the video which tells us that XinMin actually waited for ZhangQiang for 3 years when he is studying abroad. And now, they got married... I can really see that God's love for them really made it so great! Love is really patience...

These few days I have been thinking... what if i get a "sorry" on Christmas? I tried my best to be understanding and patient... but sometimes this is really a very tough thing to overcome... I felt so small, so unimportant... I tend to be angry with Teddy Bear easily... and threw my tantrums at him... i felt so bad seriously... perhaps, Christmas really is too fast for Teddy Bear to make a decision... I have to understand that he is having a hard time too... Shall I give him more time? Babie Daphy taught me to give Teddy Bear a time limit. I tried that way. But it seem to me that I am trying to be unreasonable to him and only think for myself... I felt that I did not place myself into the shoes of Teddy Bear... not thinking for him is hurting me too...

Talked to bestie and he advised me... "If you think he is worth to wait, go for it. No matter what, I will give you my support." Worth to wait? I thought n thought... i come to think of Teddy Bear's goodness... his care for me, and people around him... isn't he like a CareBear in the cartoon? Show you warmth, and smile to you, and make you happy... its something that you can't buy it no matter how much money or credit cards you have in yr wallet... this is priceless... i believe it...

Teddy Bear, I am really sincere in this relationship. I made my decision. I will wait for you... Because, Love is patience, love is kind. I will give you time...

~{10:34 AM}
Angelic

Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Today
Today. A date that I will not forget. I started my first relationship on this date just right 1 year ago. Time passes so quickly. So many things happened in 1 year... friends, love, hate, enemies-no friends... hahahaha...

I prayed to God... I believe He listens... he gave me another someone that truly loves me... :) so much more better than that previous bloody one... lol. bloody one. thinking of the first just turns me off from my appetite... yucks... why on earth have i got into such a bloody relationship? i think i'm blind... i chose a china product last time... cognitive dissonance... and finally got a divestment stage whoohoo!!! yayness...

I believe you are great, Teddy Bear...:) You really bright up my life... thank you for loving me... I understand you have to work and not much time for me... I am learning to adapt and be independent... I will give u time.. give myself some time too... seriously, I have never been so worried for someone like you before in my life of 20 years... i'm learning to be patient... and i know sometimes you are willing to let me scold you and be patient with me, and tell me that your heart aches when i cry... thank you for being so patient with my nonsense sometimes...i'm glad n thankful that you learn to use the chopsticks because of me..n gave me little teddy bear to hug when i miss you... that's really sweet of you... i'm glad to have you... i thank God for knowing you...:) i love you... :)

Alright, tml and Fri will be the Sunday School kids' camp.. gotta reach there at 8.30am... i must do some more of the report before bed!!! Be a good girl... n not let teddy bear worry too... :) Jiayou to all my friends... nights...

~{7:36 AM}
Angelic